"Do I want to be "right"--or do I want to be happy?"

5/19/15

One of the most important questions you can ever ask yourself is, "Do I want to be "right"--or do I want to be happy?"  Many times, the two are mutually exclusive!

Being right, defending our positions, takes an enormous amount of mental energy and often alienates us from the people in our lives.  Needing to be right--or needing someone else to be wrong--encourages others to become defensive, and puts pressure on us to keep defending.  Yet, many of us (me, too, at times) spend a great deal of time and energy attempting to prove (or point out) that we are right--and/or others are wrong.  Many people, consciously or unconsciously, believe that it's somehow their job to show others how their positions, statements, and points of view are incorrect, and that in doing so, the person they are correcting is going to somehow appreciate it, or at least learn something.  Wrong!

Think about it.  Have you ever been corrected by someone and said to the person who was trying to be right, "Thank you so much for showing me that I'm wrong and you're right.  Now I see it.  Boy, you're great!"  Or, has anyone you know ever thanked you (or even agreed with you) when you corrected them, or made yourself "right" at their expense?  Of course not.  The truth is, all of us hate to be corrected.  We all want our positions to be respected and understood by others.  Being listened to and heard is one of the greatest desires of the human heart.  And those who learn to listen are the most loved and respected.  Those who are in the habit of correcting others are often resented and avoided.

It's not that it's never appropriate to be right--sometimes you genuinely need to be or want to be.  Perhaps there are certain philosophical positions that you don't want to budge on such as when you hear a racist comment.  Here, it's important to speak your mind.  Usually, however, it's just your ego creeping in and ruining an otherwise peaceful encounter--a habit of wanting or needing to be right. A wonderful, heartfelt strategy for becoming more peaceful and loving is to practice allowing others the joy of being right--give them the glory.  Stop correcting.  As hard as it may be to change this habit, it's worth any effort and practice it takes.  When someone says, "I really feel it's important to. . . " rather than jumping in and saying, "No, it's more important to. . . " or any of the hundreds of other forms of conversational editing, simply let it go and allow their statement to stand.  The people in your life will become less defensive and more loving.  They will appreciate you more than you could ever have dreamed possible, even if they
don't exactly know why.  You'll discover the joy of participating in and witnessing other people's happiness, which is far more rewarding than a battle of egos.  You don't have to sacrifice your deepest philosophical truths or most heartfelt opinions, but, starting today, let others be "right," most of the time!

Richard Carlson.

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